I (enlarged) Heart Adderall

addy heart

I went to the doctor yesterday because I thought my friend gave me strep throat (after we shared a few bowls and watched The Wiz for whatever reason, he tested positive for it).

So as they take my vitals, I tell the nurse with the Kardashian ass that my pulse is only high because of Adderall.  I say the same thing to the doctor, but she claims that my pulse is now twice as fast as last time and that constant rapid heart beat will cause your heart to get bigger over time and that’s really bad. An enlarged heart will eventually kill you blah blah.

Well, I’m Bipolar and drug-dependent FOR LIFE so if one of those bad boys (which I pop every morning) happens to make my heart explode one day– so be it.

I should have asked how long it’ll take before my ticker swells like a nitrous balloon and kills me, but I was afraid I’d also mention that I wasn’t at all worried because “I don’t want to live a long time…”

This statement alone may not have landed me in the hospital, but I have been “Girl Interrupted” enough times in my life (twice) that I ain’t never going back.

And they’ll have to pry my Adderall bottles from my cold, dead hands as they try to close the casket full of my GIANT, elephant man organs.


The Vyvanswer To My Problems

vyvanse rating

I told my best friend that I would give my Vyvanse prescription a rating and do a post on it, so this is for you, _____. (For your anonymity, you are “blank” — just like our minds after no sleep + too many stimulants — cuz I’m SUCH. A. GOOD. FRIEND.)

Anyway, I had a great week after getting diagnosed with ADD and handed a Vyvanse prescription, which I like to think of as “Adderall Lite” or the new Vyvanswer to all of my motivational problems. It’s not as strong as Adderall, so it gets a 4 out of 5 pill rating from me, but if you take enough of the drug you start to feel vyvacious and vyolently productive, like your magic pill is growing a giant beanstalk of motivation that you can eagerly climb for miles. And as you go higher you suddenly remember that it will be very challenging to keep up with yourself on this climb without another magic pill. So you Vyvanse like nobody’s watching and keep going, up and up… until it’s time to slide into the comedown where you are pricked by the beanstalk’s thorns, unless you remembered to be armed with your battle Xanax.

I think of Vyvanse as Adderall’s love interest who is totally ignored in the movie until she takes off her glasses (bottle cap) and kisses you (dissolves in your system). Then she (it) kind of takes your breath away — (literally, if you eat the whole bottle) – and everyone looks at her (Vyvanse) with a newfound respect, like ‘Where was she this whole time?”

High Vyv on this med, Big pharma. I see a lot of potential in her.

sPILLing my thoughts

pill-candyA random page from my notebook tells me (and now you) the following:

  • Adderall tastes sweet like the powder of broken candy hearts
  • Klonopin has a slight burn like your nose sipped its tea when it was too hot
  • Percs are a green sand, crushed finely from a razor-cut mountain or stuffed into a straw and gnawed on by teeth sharpened by the knives of addiction
  • Ritalin is bitter. Like it is Adderall’s kid brother that is overshadowed and underrated and is the actual powder of Old Spice deodorant.

Today* (yesterday) I believe we did all of these in the course of a LONG day/night – like a salad of mixed greens… and whites.. and whatever other colors

*Today meaning about a month ago, cuz DAMN if I don’t wish I had all these right now, too



Up Up and … OK


I used to do uppers a lot at my last job – not even because I was tired but because I was really, really bored. I would sit in the office and (usually) wait for people to leave before hoovering lines of coke at my desk, but once or twice did it in front of my co-worker because I knew he wasn’t a snitch. I also offered him a line, though, so it wasn’t rude, and even though he said no and that he “took work seriously” (…you’re a maintenance man, but whatever) it never occurred to me that the REAL reason I was nervous at work was not because of his or anyone’s opinion, but because being on coke didn’t/doesn’t make me want to talk to people.

Eventually I realized that playing in the snow puts me into my own head too much – like being stuck inside a snow globe that never stops shaking – and it’s really hard to talk to people when they want you to do fill out paperwork while you’re orbiting Mars.

The point is that whenever I would take Adderall to achieve a similar high, I was chatty like a lonely housewife telling a telemarketer all about that night’s lasagna, and I never dreaded answering the phone, seeing people walk into the office- or, you know, working.

This whole ramble of a post is mostly just for me to remember that a little coke sometimes is fun but relying on a bag of white nose clams is NOT going to make me productive or social. In conclusion: Adderall is magic.